the rabbit

I’m in the midst of writing my first novel.  When i want to take a break from music i usually sink back into the novel, so it’s pretty much an endless project i have in and out of the archives i like to chomp at.  For me, i can’t work on it for a day or two and stop… i have to be completely immersed in it; otherwise i feel i lose touch with my characters.  So awhile back when i was heavy in the novel, i became real tired of “the structure” and just simply wanted to write.  I woke up one morning, sat at my laptop and spewed out pictures in my head through words and wrote a real abstract short story called “the rabbit.”  The fact it’s kind of a hack job makes me like it even more; for me it was and is a solid reflection of immediate feelings.  Anyway, here’s “the rabbit”  ya’ll don’t rip it off and sell it for millions now… the new yorker’s been chirpin at me for months about it

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i thought i saw a rabbit running so i ran after it.  i think it was a jack rabbit but it could have been a cottontail.  whatever it was i ran after it for a long time becoming tired and worn out.  i think i ran for an hour before it disappeared.  when i could see it no more i stood and looked around wondering where i was.  the hills were there but they didn’t go up to high; they were brown and white with rock and weeds.  they were tall enough to where i couldn’t see over them but not tall enough to where i couldn’t climb them; i was in the middle of them.  Just then i saw the jack rabbit, or was it a cottontail, pop down into a whole and i knew then it had disappeared for good.  i felt as if all of everything inside of me was gone.  i went and i sat down next to the rabbit hole and after a while began to cry.  having come so far, without the rabbit now i was nothing.  i knew i was lost and i had no way to contact anything or anyone who could give me the answers.  at first i was angry, cursing the world for what it had done to me.  the world didn’t seem to respond or care that i was lost and crying; i was alone.  i’d seen the hills before, i had been there before, but without the rabbit to chase or be around the hills looked so different.  i was still crying.  eventually i fell asleep.

when i awoke nighttime had passed and the early morning was there.  i was thankful for the sun because that meant a new day and i thought to myself maybe i wouldn’t feel so messed up.  i sat up brushing the dirt off me and then felt the rain still inside of my head.  ‘to hell with it,’ i thought.  lost, not knowing what to do i decided to try and find my way home.  after i had been walking for awhile over the brown and white hills i thought i saw the rabbit standing on a hilltop just ahead of me and to the right.  i began to run calling out to it hoping it would recognize my voice, surely it wasn’t meaning to run from me.  i ran after it for a long time getting tired and worn out.  i think i ran for over an hour this time.  when i could see it no more i stood looking around wondering where i was.  ‘still lost,’ i thought.

this same thing happened for a long time; so long that my family began to miss me but they knew i was chasing my rabbit so they understood.  triple 30 days and 30 nights came and went, still searching for my lost rabbit. I decided I better try and find home the next morning.  when i woke the most beautiful girl was standing over me.  i was dirty and filthy and felt embarrassed.  she sat down next to me and said hello and said her name was pheona and she was the most beautiful young lady i had ever seen.
“Are you an angel?” i asked.
She laughed, “no i am not an angel” she said as she continued to laugh.
“Why are you laughing?” i asked
“Because you thought i was an angel, silly.”
I didn’t like the way she was talking to me.  i thought about standing up and leaving but i was tired and worn out and she was just so beautiful.
“How long have you been out here amongst these brown and white hills, andrew?”  this strange beautiful lady asked me.
‘how did she know my name?’ i thought.  “Hey how do you know my name?” I asked.
“You don’t remember me?  It’s phee-owna“  she said oddly.  i didn’t remember her.
“I don’t know you.  i have to go.”
“Fine, but you’re a stupid boy to chase that rabbit.”
“Why am i stupid and how do you know about my rabbit?!”  She said nothing.  “Whatever, you’re weird and i don’t like you and i’m leaving.”
i scaled a few hills and was glad she was behind me until i looked back in front of me and she was standing there.
“How did you get here?!” i asked
she kissed me and i felt asystole. she was so beautiful.  she took me by my hand and i followed her.  i knew my rabbit was the other way but she was so beautiful and i just wanted to be around her. i loved her.
she lived in a hut down by a creek and she called it la perfect château and i thought that was stupid ‘cus it mixed different languages. she took me in and undressed me and we made love.  i had forgotten all about how stupid the name of her shack was because she was so beautiful.
“Why do you live in a shack out in the hills?” i asked
“Well, you built this shack for us, don’t you remember?”
“no.”
“oh darling, i know you’ll remember.”  I didn’t remember and she was beginning to piss me off. i was about to leave and then she kissed me and then i couldn’t leave because i was in love.
we spent 3 months living in the shack in the hills and i swore at the time it was the best time in my life and i had never been happier.
one morning i woke up and saw my reflection in the broken piece of mirror on the wall she used to put her make-up on in every morning.  i didn’t recognize who i was and i missed my family.  i saw marks in my arms and asked pheona what they were.
“Why darling, those are the marks from the needles where i give you your drugs.”
“What drugs?”
“The drugs you ask me to give you, darling.”
“I never asked you to give me drugs” i said
“andrew don’t be silly of course you did.”
she must have been right.  i sat down on the bed and she sunk a needle into my arm and i fell asleep.

another three months went by and i can remember walking outside seeing a dark blue and purple sky all of the time.  i remember laying on a hillside all day until pheona came and got me.  i remember trying to leave because i didn’t want to be in the hills anymore with pheona in the shack yet she would always appear in front of me and remind me how much i didn’t want to go home.
“I do want to go home, i miss my family”
“Oh, darling, i am your family now.  Stop being silly and come back to the shack.”
“Where is my rabbit?”
“Your rabbit is gone, darling, stop being silly and come back to the shack.”

“You’re right,” I’d say, “take me to the shack I don’t feel well.”

it was only noon when i returned to the shack and I noticed the creek was dry like a desert.  i was sitting on the edge of the bed when she slipped another needle under my skin and i told her i loved her, thanking her for saving me from going back to the real world.  She said of course, she loved me and wouldn’t see me go back.  i fell asleep again then and didn’t wake for three days.  when i did wake i was drowsy and walked outside and the sky wasn’t dark blue and purple anymore, it was a grayish black.

i walked to the side of my hill and laid down wondering when the stars would come out, remembering stars.  how long it had been since i had seen the stars, i just wanted to see one.  the dark gray sky started to shift and i thought a star might come out but no star ever came.  i walked back to the shack and saw pheona doing her make-up in the mirror.  i took a bunch of pills to ease the strain on my eyes and went to bed.

three more months had passed and i was ready to leave.  i left the shack before pheona was awake and i was far far away, further than i’d been since the first day i chased my rabbit.  i looked back to make sure no one was following me and when i looked forward again pheona was standing there crying
“why do you leave me, darling?  you don’t love me anymore do you?”
“of course i do, pheona”  i lied
“no you don’t”
“Yes i do!”  i lied again.
“Oh darling you do love me, don’t you?”
“Yes”  it was easy to lie now.
“Then why did you try and leave me?”
“I was just…” i didn’t know what to say, “looking for my rabbit again.”
She struck me across the face.  “Damn that rabbit that’s all you think about!”  she said and my face stung bad.
“No, i think about you, too.”
“If you think about me, too, then why do you always leave me chasing your stupid rabbit?”
“I just need to find him.  I won’t leave you again.”
She pulled out a syringe and i let her slip it into my arm.  the dark gray sky slipped to black and i felt a tear roll down my cheek as i stared off into the hills trying to see my rabbit on the horizon again.  I couldn’t see the rabbit.  everything was hazy and the sky was black as midnight.  pheona had laid down on the ground saying she was so tired so i picked her up with my arms and carried her back to the shack.
it was late into the night, early into the next morning and a short, slender man appeared before me.  he was a black man and he reached out for my hand as i was laying in bed next to pheona.  i don’t know why but i grabbed his hand and he led me out of the door of the shack.  his hand was soft and it was hard to see his face because my eyes were blurry from the drugs but he looked to be a pretty man.  he led me up the first hill and across to another one without saying a word.  i don’t know why but i didn’t ask him a question.  we walked across a few more of the black hills and then he sat down in the dirt and i sat next to him.  he pulled a rabbit out from his robe and it was my rabbit!  I was so excited, my face smiled so wide it got lost in my mouth.  i reached out to grab it yet he moved it just out of my reach.
“That’s my rabbit!” i said
“This was your rabbit, my son.” he responded to me.
“What do you mean?!  Who are you?!” i asked with anger.
“I am your father.”  he said, “I am here to talk with you.”
my head was spinning i needed a needle i needed pheona.
the man looked at my arms and tears began to flow down his black cheeks and then i started to cry.
“why are you crying?” i asked
“Because i see my son in so much pain.”
“I am not in pain.  I just need a needle.”
He shook his head and stroked my rabbit softly as tears ran down his face.
“I have came a great distance to sit here with you, andrew.”  the black man said.  i sat quietly.  my head felt like a balloon filled with helium.
“Why do you need to talk with me.  who are you?” i asked
“I am your father, he said.”
“Give me my damn rabbit, man!” i yelled.  he moved it out of my reach as i lurched for it.
“This rabbit is not yours anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“This rabbit, my child, is your childhood, and it has left you now.”
“but what if i’m not ready to say goodbye?”
“Most times, my son, we are never ready to say goodbye to our past.”
“I want my rabbit.” i said.
“I know,” he responded, “that is why you have come into these hills and stayed with that woman for so long.”
“You know pheona?”
“I do” he said
“How?” i asked
“She works for someone who dislikes me very much.”
“Who dislikes you?  tell me their name i will beat them up if you give me my rabbit back.”
“I cannot give this rabbit back to you, my son, it is time to say goodbye to your rabbit.”
i sat in a pout, “i’ve tried, friend, i’ve tried.  but it’s no use i just keep looking.” i said in defeat as my head hung.
“show me your arms, my child.” he asked of me
i put one arm out and then turned it over revealing its underside.  it was filled with bruises and wounds and some were oozing with puss.
“And the other.” he continued.
I did the same with the other and it was the same thing.  he still had tears on his face but he wasn’t crying.  i had never seen a man so sad.  he put his soft cold hand onto my arm and the coolness of it felt so good.  when he removed his hand from my arm all of the bruises and wounds and oozing was gone.
“How did you do that?!” i shouted
“Lend me your other arm.”  i did and he put his hand on it.  it felt so good i started to cry and sob.  he put the rabbit back in his robe and rested his hands on my head.  i felt as if i was going to pass out from what felt like electricity rushing through my brain.  when he removed his hand i opened my eyes and it was day time.
“The hills have changed colors!  They are brown and white again!” i shouted.  He said nothing.  I looked up and the sky was a magnificent blue.
“My God, look at the sky!  it is blue!”  i said and the black man smiled, this was the first time i’d seen him smile.
“can i have my rabbit now?” i asked
“My son, there comes a moment in everyone’s life where they have to say goodbye to something.  you are no longer a child, and if you never make peace with that, you will never grow into a man.  You have been out in these hills for over six months now, staying with pheona.”
“how do you know pheona?” i asked again forgetting i already had.
“She works for someone who dislikes me very much.”
“Who is that?”
“A very bad man, my son.”  i started to cry.  “Why do you cry now, my son?”  the black man asked.
“i don’t know. i feel so lost.  i want to go back to the shack.”
“When one does not want to see something so strongly, they will do whatever they can not to see it.  a human can trick their own self into believing anything.”
i knew what i had done.  i was crying again.
i said “chasing the beauty in women–” he finished my sentence, “has led you to hell.”  my head dropped into my hands.
“i just didn’t want to say goodbye to my rabbit, friend. I just wasn’t ready for it to leave!”
He stood up and lent his hand to me.  I put my hand in his and stood up.  I looked straight ahead and could see the small town i had grown up in.  i looked back to my friend but he was gone, with my rabbit.  I stood there for a second, circling around trying to see where he had went, he was gone.  Pheona didn’t appear this time.
i walked down the last hill and into my town, passing all the hustling and bustling cars.  i walked five miles until i reached my home, my whole family was there waiting for me.  they hugged me and i cried, but this time they were tears of joy.  i said i was tired and went into my room and laid down on my bed.  i knew the start of my adult life had begun.