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I, the shrub

Ragged & worn, I, the shrub, admire your beauty
When no one is around, I talk to you
You’re polite & cordial, but I am a shrub, you are a flower, this could never be
Pals, perhaps, akin, nunca
I, the shrub, admire your petals
They’re white and serene, all without you having to say a thing
Sometimes I wish I had petals like yours
Instead of these prickly things everyone calls thorns
I, the shrub, stand taller than you
Everyone notices me, yet just beside, is you
White & deep green, a jazmín among the morning breeze
When I tell the other shrubs how I see you to be
They just poke fun & laugh at me
“You are too old, brown & worn out.
she is so small, quiet & renowned.”
I guess they are right, for I am just a shrub
& you are a flower

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Remember when we were younger, brother?
I wonder of back then
& if there was ever a time
When we felt level headed in our minds

Remember when we were younger, brother?
Way back when
When the blue sky was more mystical than the muppets

I remember back then, a little bit
From when I was young
I remember back before I owned “things”
Like computers, ipods, cars & guns
I remember back then, a little
From when I was young
But you know what I find peculiar?
I cannot remember a time when I was not on the run

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She doesn’t care for who I am
& if she did it would tear me back down to the alleys from which I’ve crawled
You don’t care for the way I am
& if you did… I only have daydreams of what it would be like
You as that friend, of day And night
Pero one cannot intercept fate!
So I wait, for ondine, for el amor, I wait
As my brother kills himself slowly
As I watch him dying slowly
He isn’t aware
Not even to the fact of the extent of which I care
In this I wait, for ondine

Mental angst & ridden images desde mi mente
Product of a generation, renouncing & embracing his generation all within the same sentence
Too wild for the calm
Too sincere for the wild
Trapped among the transitory state I wait
For you, ondine, again another night
I lay myself down, among pills & a cluttered cave;
Nag Champa filling my lungs
Thich Nhat Hanh’s words calming me down
Benzo’s calming me down
For I ride hot in the mind todo el tiempo
I came with no dimmer switch
I am the sane man flipped

But I will wait.  Fate is having its turn
I am within its state
And I will embrace the air
Until you are here, not there.

Wherever there is, ondine.

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It’s so peculiar, ondine, how I wait for you among self inflicted turmoil
Knowing you’re out there, somewhere, living, breathing, being… you.
& I wait for you while alone in a cave.

& I wait for you while she crawls on top of me with Her soft skin.
It means nothing compared to 2 spirits
So I wait for you.

I have a right minded, steadfast desire, which manifests in me more as hope, & faith
That you’re waiting, for me, even if you do not know it
& I’ll be alright, waiting, for you, as you live your life
& I live mine.

A thousand messages go out; only one can be returned in my truth
A thousand have returned, in someone else’s truth.
Some could care less for anything concerning who I am
Some love me much more than I will ever love them, ondine
So I wait, for you

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Can’t you see, poquita? I am a man, not a boy.
Can’t you see?
I cannot fair well in your games of youth
I’m too susceptible to the fire so I cannot provide these things of which you desire
I am all I can be, & me can fall into the trenches of the back street so easily
So be easy with me, won’t you? Pero you cannot
Because you’re la poquita; I am the bear of gray & white
So I turn off the light & burn into the nighttime when I should be sleeping but I’m not
I’m awake laying around feeling my walls, my barriers crumbling down softly & slowly
Solely because you never took the time to notice the parts of me which spawned the heart in me, pequeña queña quita;
I knew your fire would light my addiction yet a strong man is weak in many ways
So I followed your path, walked your way
For a night & another day
It was all wrong for me
I’d earned that lesson learned; yet learned it again
Booze in me is the joker
You’re for me is the hoper
I for me am saddening when I wake to see you’re not there
So let the suicide romance spawn on into something else
Let a master work his craft & play the game which is dark & people in my realm don’t speak of
Black magic or similar to
Let me use a gift from the cosmos to congest you; let it FILL my ego
& in the end when you’re spinning in misery & I should feel smiles & happy
I will be just as low as you
This I’ve known to be true for far too long to be playing this game
This I’ve known
So let your soul, whatever it is, walk away from me
I’ll sift into another & maybe she will differ from you
Or perhaps I’m in my old paradox of déjà vu; whose to know, pequeña; not I
Or at least I
Don’t want to admit it
So goodbye for now
Until the next time I run my eyes through your mind telling it what way to walk
Which dialect to talk
& now, in the moment of which I write
I turned off the lights & let my core burn into the midnight oil
Remembering days before you & all the others
Before I was spoiled & ruined
& I smile
Because yesterday is today & today is tomorrow
Couldn’t you see…..me?

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I lay myself bare before you.
Think nothin’ of it. It’s the only way I know how to be.
I’ll strip down to nothing, & you’ll see patches covering certain parts of me.
I don’t know how the patches got there, or what they’re covering
Pero this is me, & your eyes can remain fixed.
I gotta lotta tricks, they say, of me.
I can’t tell you why they are or what they are, so I’ll merely label them intricacies.
But what do you wish to see?
Tell me before & I’d twist to turn & be any of the things you’d want me to be
Tell me now & what you’ll get is every part of me you can see; even the patches, mi dulce.

I lay myself bare before you, yet the odds tell me you won’t be able to see anything close to me
Porque what you’ll see is a projection of yourself, I’d be swimming in a sea of your mirrors which have been built over time very delicately.

So tell me what you want to see & then take a real good look at me.
Because that’s all you’ll probably get,
Not because of you, yet because of me.

-asb

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My brother of the nickel & dime.
Kindred in life, kinned by time
Estamos hermanos del níquel and dime
Pero sometimes in life you have to break the rhyme
We are the breaks in the rhyme. We are the gramblers in life. Betting our lives, rambling through time; estamos the breaks in rhyme.
For there is only unspoken reason to our self treason. & there’s too much pain to be okay. So we vomit our insides to lighten the rain; perhaps imagining that one day we’ll see the rays of the sun; when todos los kingdoms come.

Alone in a room alone in a room; each night we’re alone in our rooms. A cabin or a cave; inside rain remains. Vomit.
Killing ourselves since the days we were born.
We’re not only the breaks of the rhyme, tambien roses scorn. Urban suburban rural & true! We’ve lived it all before 40, me & you.
Kindred in life, kinned by time
Estamos hermanos del níquel y dime
So down tu vino y voy a down my pills
I’ll take the slow road, you tell me of the thrills
Of her snatch of her ass of her mouth of your pain. God I wish there was a break in our rain. For our gear’s washed away; our flame struggles for life, each & every day. Pero things still remain the same. Excuse me while I take a pill.

Vagabonds. Tragic spawns. No. Magic pawns, put into a game constructed for us to lose
But despite our appearances, we’re not the clowns, we stole the crowns & dumped ‘em in the river. We fucked their wives & got off as they shivered. We danced the chance we rode the train cars de los ricos. & in our young ages & old souls, we sing every day, & our song never gets old… To us. Para nos.
Brother of mine brother in time!
My brother of the nickel & dime.
Kindred in life, kinned by time
Estamos hermanos del níquel y dime
Pero sometimes in life you have to break the rhyme
We are the breaks in the rhyme.

-broken roots
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Andrew Spearman Blake
www.116thavenue.com
Sent from my BlackBerry® Handheld Device

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I can’t fight this war anymore.
God damnit I’ve fought it so many times before.
Drown in vodka, the drink of my people.
& it don’t help, because the numb doesn’t last, it never lasts.
I find no cure for the disease
Which promotes myself into killing me.. slowly.
I’ve got a towel & I’m gonna hang it again
I’ve got a gun that I’ll sleep with
Paranoia comes from the elusive double in your head
Who will win when it comes to its end?
Tell me whose gonna overcome?
Cus the kingdom aint ever gonna come.
Naw, that kingdom has gone done run, dulce y amor
So let me wail. just let me be; because I’m going to reject everything
Until I can breath
again.

The piano plays, the progression on has one minor;
It makes the minor more real than that of a progression of all minors
See-minor. My flames grow higher
Desire: lost & confused
I am a circle & this skin’s battered & bluely bruised
Pero esta bien, proque a vida es una guerra.
si, vida es una guerra. So whose gonna fight
& whose gonna set down their gun
I clutch mine like I should hold a wife
But my wife’s done left this old man
& I’m just dust after sand
I stand to the fire, with hope; even when my hope is puddled toes
Even when I don’t know; anymore

I gotta six string; a type writer & a mind
You’d think that’s all I need
Pero esta disease is mal
So I ride through the vestiges of my past
& hide under the fog
Yeah it makes for a good mask
Doug is gone, the stars are turning bronze
From their white; her eyes don’t look at me anymore. I’m used & old; pero esta todo bien
porque así es como voy.  It’s all I’ve ever known, so it is all I know
& this circle is the para siempre ballad
Del oso ruso

-asb

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4.19.12, N,CA- 11:55pm

Listening to the silence / suicide romance series

Once within a time I listen to the silence

Most of the time it simply scares me

Do you want to come into my mind?

You couldn’t handle my fright.

Nude pictures of you, while you’re holding a picture of me

burning it.    –you don’t care for the flames; even if part of me is in them

dissipating into the air you don’t notice.

–once upon a time I had a dream; that I would find love, and it would find me

Yet my susceptibility to society sank my vessel of dream

& I don’t know if you were ever meant to see that dream.

You hurt me, but you don’t know it; if I look deeply, I see, I am the one who is hurting me.

saddening.

You stripped me down and tore off your designer dress

At 28 I thought I had moved on, I thought I had learned my lessons from that mess

However daggers have gone in long ago, and I’m too closed to let anyone pull them from the insides of my soul.  I will let myself rot; while you slip off your designer dress, tear off your lace, smoke your pot.

You see once within a time I listen to the silence

Most of the time it simply scares me

-andrew spearman blake

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A million people call; only a small few can penetrate my fluctuating walls.
I see her eyes & they look at me:
To be or not to be; I don’t know if I care about that question anymore.
When all is said & done. When our days continuously fold into their others. When the day ends & night becomes; a million people call, only a few can penetrate my fluctuating walls.
So deep I have trouble seeing out. Therefore they have trouble seeing so deep.
So lost yet lost to me is truth due to impermanence. So why ask the questions that should never be answered?
So deep I have trouble seeing out of me.
So deep they have trouble seeing me.
28. 32. 45. 56. It will never change, sólo transform.
I have loved. I know love. Creo I know love better than most; for “i” have searched, I have reflected, hence I have gained. Yet wisdom “is” the application of knowledge; & this can be troublesome, even for the best of the best– for there can rarely be perfect balance amongst everything; therefore, why ask the questions that should never be answered.

– 6 — we feel the question & we feel the answers» this is the key. The questions, the answers; they are never to be spoken; they are to be felt, and acted.
I see her eyes & they look at me:
is it to be or not to be… I don’t care anymore. I will feel what will be & I will act accordingly. & in the end, when all is terminado; what will be is what should be. & then, & only then, will I feel, in the heart of my core…. peace.

así vamos con la suerte del amor, para siempre. Esta es mi verdad.
-broken roots